I went back to the gym today. I worked out and burned almost 400 calories while watching the pilot to Six Feet Under. I heard it was a good show I figured what the hell. It is interesting to say the least. I have gained almost 15 pounds in the past year. Maybe that is not a lot but my pants don't fit well and I don't like the way I look. So, my plan is to lose 25 pounds between now and October when I go on vacation with friends in California.

Work is going well. We are doing a lot of things for free and are actively looking for more work. We are updating our website and working on getting real business cards made. I think we are alright until late Fall. I might be hurting a little then. I'm not gonna freak though.

I miss hangin out with my friends at the Green lantern and wish they would find a new place to meet. I really did enjoy it.

I joined a car club this week. It is a local gay club and I think that I will enjoy it. I need to put myself in situations where I can talk to other people. I spend too much time alone. Don't get me wrong I like being alone but I do need friends. The car club should work well for me.

I bought 3 new crabs and 3 crawdads for my tank and the stupid existing crawdad killed the new crawdads and two of the crabs. I took it out of the tank and ripped it's little claws off and smacked it with them. I think it learned it's lesson. No I just took it out and put it in the creek behind the house. Now I only have one crab. I like the crabs much more than the stupid crawdads anyway. Now I will need to get more. I feel sorry for the dead crabs. I wonder what that must feel like to be eaten alive. I think that it would suck.

Later

Yesterday I had a very nice Burfday. I can't remember the last time I had so many people wish me well. It was actually a great day. I went to work as usual, got caught in the traffic as usual and had a hectic day as usual. After work I was treated to a very nice, although high calorie, dinner and a little shopping. I even enjoyed a little thunderstorm on the way home. All in all it was a very good day. I don't know why burfdays freak me out so much.
42 isn't bad. I am getting better at liking myself and accepting who I am. That has taken years. I just wish I could get over the whole looking at guys my age and comparing myself to them. Am I fatter than he is? Do I look like a Dad? That sort of thing. I have a hard time looking at myself and just accepting who I am. To be honest, I sort of skipped a couple of steps when I was a kid when it came to my identity and sometimes I get a little confused. Then I obsess over the small things and in the end it comes out as whatever freaks me out at the time.
I wonder how long it will take me until I can accept myself for who I am. Of course that would mean that I actual understand who I am and all of the parts that make me. Funny, other people seem to see the man that I have become without a problem. I thought that this phase went away a long time ago. I have overcome so many obstacles in my life and become very successful as many things. I am actually not a bad guy. Sometimes I even think that I would want to be my friend. Hell, I even look in the mirror and sometimes find myself attractive.
I still get lost going down the most simple roads in my life. Roads that others know like the back of their hands. It bothers me I won't lie. It bothers me a lot. But I have noticed that most of the time I get to the same destination in the end. Maybe I'm a little late and most definitely I get lost and find my own way. But, in the end I always have a very unique way of lookin at things.
I like that about me. Right or wrong, I make my own path. I tend to find the most treasures that way. Things that others pass right by. It always amazes me.



gotta get to work

L8R

Jeff